Evaluate yourself. How often do you speak? How often do you listen? Before high school, I never thought about this. As a matter of fact, I believed that my opinion was the only one that mattered until my mom told me that a wise person is someone who knows when to say nothing. This fact completely shattered the world that revolved around me and I began a new practice: listening. Over the years I've learned that people love to be listened to. People actually get paid to be good listeners and, here's the catch, people PAY to be listened to. What am I talking about? Psychiatrists. How can you become a good psychiatrist to your friends? Or even to your parents? Here's a couple good tips:
- Mirror people
Whether you're talking to a stranger or in a deep conversation with a friend, mirroring is a technique you should use. You have to make sure you're mirroring rather than mocking, though. How do you mirror someone? Easy, just think like a mirror. Mirrors don't judge or give advice, they reflect. To mirror someone, you observe the type of energy they have and bring yourself to that level. You can reiterate what the person says in your own words to let this person know that you are listening and that you understand. A lot of the time, people just want someone to talk to, this in when you should be a mirror. Through mirroring, you'll be able to tell if it your place to offer advice or take any further steps. But mirroring is just your foundation. There are other steps you can take to be a great listener.
- Stay focused
It is imperative that you stay focused when talking to someone. Focus on their words and how they feel. If a friend tells you Today, in my art class my teacher told me that I have no creative ability, do NOT say this back Oh really, who is in your art class? That's not at all addressing the problem. Don't get distracted by the superfluous parts of a conversation. You also shouldn't pretend to listen. If someone tries to talk to you about something but the timing isn't good, simply explain that and talk to them another time. You need to try to be selfless while listening too. If your mom comes home and tells you she had a really rough day, ask her about it. Don't tell her that your day was tougher than hers. Don't be a selective listener. If you are only listening to parts of a conversation, you will miss bits and pieces that you'll be expected to know. Finally, make sure that you are paying attention to the body language of the person that you're talking to. The truth is, most of the content of a conversation is in attitude and body language. If you ignore those important cues, you'll miss a lot of the conversation. STAY focused on the words, body language, and attitude of the person you're listening to and you'll understand the conversation much better.
- Look people straight in the eye
NEVER look down in a conversation. Don't write a quick text message. Forget your surroundings. LOOK PEOPLE IN THE EYE WHEN YOU SPEAK TO THEM or when they are talking to you. This is the most important thing you can do the let a person know that you are listening. If you miss out on eye contact, you miss a special aspect of any conversation. So open your eyes and look people into theirs, just don't be a creeper about it.
- Change your perspective
Try to see where your speaker is coming from. You could be talking to your parents, a boss, siblings, a friend, a teacher, anyone really and not see eye to eye with them. This is entirely normal but instead of being close minded, look from their perspective. Sometimes paradigms limit us from understanding people so it's your responsibility to break those paradigms. Think about the circumstances this person is in. The sooner you can change your perspective, the easier it will be for you to talk to people.
- Be genuine
When listening to people, don't be fake. Listen genuinely. Ask questions that are relevant and make comments that take more thought than ok or cool. As you learn to listen genuinely, people will want to talk to you more because everyone loves a genuine listener. If you talk to everyone as though you are thoroughly interested in the conversation you're having, people will be drawn to your conversations. Avoid boring responses and remember to focus and you will be a perfect genuine listener.
- Make people feel comfortable
Be relaxed and attentive when listening. If you fidget and are awkward, your speaker is uncomfortable. Make sure to face your speaker and be open with them. If there is tension, try to loosen it by your attitude, your remarks, or even your body language. As a listener, you have a lot of control over your speaker because your reactions depend on their words.
Being a good listener is extremely important in any relationship. It can show your parents that you respect them. It can show your friends that you care. It can show your siblings you love them. It can show customers your skills. There's truly no downside to being a good listener. So open up those ears and try it out.
