Wazazi

"Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose, with the exception of guppies who eat theirs" -P.J. O'Rourke

Dramatic girls come and go. The know-it-all only surfaces every Monday and Wednesday. Your little siblings go to bed at 7:30. But your parents are there, all the time; even when they aren't. Parents can be a tricky obstacle to overcome. Odd, right? Because they weren't always like this, but now that you're a teenager, it's like everything they do is unbearably annoying. Plus, it doesn't help that they don't trust you anymore. And why the heck do they always assume you're lying, we all know you tell the truth at least 15% of the time. It's almost as though you need a new manual for this decade of your life. That's where I come in. Having trouble with your parents? Look no further. This week, we'll cover all the parental basics. So if your grounded, then here's some good reading material.

Kushiriki

YOU have the authority to make your relationships last or disintegrate. It's truly up to you. Make sure that you are frequently making deposits in your RBA and avoid withdrawals at all costs. Although, should you make one, be sure to fix it. Never be too prideful to say I'm sorry. Don't serve others just once; make it a habitual activity. Remember to make time for those that are important in your life. Let people know that you care. Most importantly, listen to people. Understand their body language and know how to communicate and comfort them. As you take the advice I've given you this week and learn on your own through trial and error, you'll be able to have relationships with people that will last. After all, forty years down the road, you're not going to remember the tests you took, what outfits you wore, or what the best movie was. You're going to remember the people you did these things with. Let these memories be happy ones.

Muda

Time:

Last week we talked about time management for tasks and errands and such. But let me ask you this, how much time do you put aside for the people in your life? How well do you know your older sister? When's the last time you talked to your Grandpa? Does your mom know about what's going on in your life? Is there something you could help your dad with? When's the last time you painted your little sister's nails? The last time you played catch with your little brother? Taken your best friend out for some ice cream? Wrote a thank you note to a teacher? Just like how you need to set time apart to get your homework done, you need to allocate some time for the people in your life. Nowadays, with texting and email so prevalent, these things should be made easier, but when did you last use your email other than to send yourself your history paper or to delete all your junkmail? But even with technology, you should make the time to bond with the people in your life. The problem is that this is not a homework assignment you'll be graded on, so how can you find the motivation to do it if you technically don't HAVE to? That's easy, just start by playing Mario Kart with your siblings and you'll quickly learn that there's a lot of things about your siblings that you don't know. Naturally, as you tighten these bonds with people, your relationships will get stronger. Now you just have to make it a priority. Find some time and share it with those that you love.

Mawasiliano

Communication:

If you're misunderstood, it might be YOUR fault. We talked about listening and how that can help you. But, how well do you communicate your thoughts to others. Do you actually think before you speak? How honest is too honest? Are you really going to tell your mother that the dress she's wearing makes her look fat? The things you say have a lasting effect on people, as well as the things you do. As you communicate with others, you need to keep a few things in mind.

1. Be honest, but not too honest
   

   You always hear cliches like Honesty is the best policy, which is true, but sometimes you feel the need to lie. Don't fret. You don't have to, there are ways you can avoid lying but still answer a question. Let's say someone asks you if you like their outfit and YOU think it looks terrible. Pick something about it that you like and compliment it. Oh, I like the color. or Hey, that necklace looks really cool, where did you get it? Asking a follow up question assures a new topic. But sometimes, it's best to be honest with people. Use your judgement, but if you find that it would be best to keep your opinions to yourself, find a way to change the subject or "dodge the bullet" as they say. Honesty is really important though. No one likes a pathological liar. In fact, lying is quite frowned upon. If you feel the need to lie, try to take a different route that still leads you to results that make you happy.



2. Be clear
   

   You have GOT to be 100% perfectly clear with people when you talk to them. Are you someone that usually says Sure or I don't care or Whatever? These are "wishy washy" words. PEOPLE, just answer a question with a simple yes or no. And if you TRULY don't care, then just PICK one. Let's say your life depended on it, just pick one. If somebody asks you your favorite movies, don't say I don't know. Really? You DON'T KNOW. Just pick a movie you like. Your life isn't going to change if you accidentally tell someone your second favorite movie as opposed to your first. If someone asks you what you want to do on Friday, don't say I dunno, come up with an idea, if they shoot you down, who cares, at least you're thinking. Of all things, NEVER say we'll see. There's so much uncertainty in that phrase. The person you're talking to will be confused and not really know what to do. You need to be clear when communicating with others. That's the best way to avoid miscommunication and confusion.



3. Be sincere
   

   Just like when you listen, you need to be sincere when you talk to people. You really should mean what you say. Don't offer backhanded compliments. Sarcasm, though funny, is an easy way to frustrate people in a conversation. Don't respond to people halfheartedly. If you want to talk to someone about something or make a comment, the best way to do it is sincerely. This creates a sense of respect and people will want to talk to you more.

Communication is in important. Your relationships with people will grow for the better if you learn to communicate well and work on your skills. Let's face it, no one wants to talk to an awkward person.

Kuzikiliza

Listen or thy tongue will make thee deaf --Native American Proverb

Evaluate yourself. How often do you speak? How often do you listen? Before high school, I never thought about this. As a matter of fact, I believed that my opinion was the only one that mattered until my mom told me that a wise person is someone who knows when to say nothing. This fact completely shattered the world that revolved around me and I began a new practice: listening. Over the years I've learned that people love to be listened to. People actually get paid to be good listeners and, here's the catch, people PAY to be listened to. What am I talking about? Psychiatrists. How can you become a good psychiatrist to your friends? Or even to your parents? Here's a couple good tips:

1. Mirror people
   

   Whether you're talking to a stranger or in a deep conversation with a friend, mirroring is a technique you should use. You have to make sure you're mirroring rather than mocking, though. How do you mirror someone? Easy, just think like a mirror. Mirrors don't judge or give advice, they reflect. To mirror someone, you observe the type of energy they have and bring yourself to that level. You can reiterate what the person says in your own words to let this person know that you are listening and that you understand. A lot of the time, people just want someone to talk to, this in when you should be a mirror. Through mirroring, you'll be able to tell if it your place to offer advice or take any further steps. But mirroring is just your foundation. There are other steps you can take to be a great listener.



2. Stay focused
   

   It is imperative that you stay focused when talking to someone. Focus on their words and how they feel. If a friend tells you Today, in my art class my teacher told me that I have no creative ability, do NOT say this back Oh really, who is in your art class? That's not at all addressing the problem. Don't get distracted by the superfluous parts of a conversation. You also shouldn't pretend to listen. If someone tries to talk to you about something but the timing isn't good, simply explain that and talk to them another time. You need to try to be selfless while listening too. If your mom comes home and tells you she had a really rough day, ask her about it. Don't tell her that your day was tougher than hers. Don't be a selective listener. If you are only listening to parts of a conversation, you will miss bits and pieces that you'll be expected to know. Finally, make sure that you are paying attention to the body language of the person that you're talking to. The truth is, most of the content of a conversation is in attitude and body language. If you ignore those important cues, you'll miss a lot of the conversation. STAY focused on the words, body language, and attitude of the person you're listening to and you'll understand the conversation much better.



3. Look people straight in the eye
   

   NEVER look down in a conversation. Don't write a quick text message. Forget your surroundings. LOOK PEOPLE IN THE EYE WHEN YOU SPEAK TO THEM or when they are talking to you. This is the most important thing you can do the let a person know that you are listening. If you miss out on eye contact, you miss a special aspect of any conversation. So open your eyes and look people into theirs, just don't be a creeper about it.



4. Change your perspective
   

   Try to see where your speaker is coming from. You could be talking to your parents, a boss, siblings, a friend, a teacher, anyone really and not see eye to eye with them. This is entirely normal but instead of being close minded, look from their perspective. Sometimes paradigms limit us from understanding people so it's your responsibility to break those paradigms. Think about the circumstances this person is in. The sooner you can change your perspective, the easier it will be for you to talk to people.



5. Be genuine
   

   When listening to people, don't be fake. Listen genuinely. Ask questions that are relevant and make comments that take more thought than ok or cool. As you learn to listen genuinely, people will want to talk to you more because everyone loves a genuine listener. If you talk to everyone as though you are thoroughly interested in the conversation you're having, people will be drawn to your conversations. Avoid boring responses and remember to focus and you will be a perfect genuine listener.



6. Make people feel comfortable
   

   Be relaxed and attentive when listening. If you fidget and are awkward, your speaker is uncomfortable. Make sure to face your speaker and be open with them. If there is tension, try to loosen it by your attitude, your remarks, or even your body language. As a listener, you have a lot of control over your speaker because your reactions depend on their words.

Being a good listener is extremely important in any relationship. It can show your parents that you respect them. It can show your friends that you care. It can show your siblings you love them. It can show customers your skills. There's truly no downside to being a good listener. So open up those ears and try it out.

Amana na Uondoaji

Deposits and Withdrawals

Now that you know what a relationship bank account is, let's talk deposits and withdrawals.

1. Keep Promises
   
   The phrase I promise should not be thrown down whenever you hope to do something for someone. This is a locked agreement, something you can't get out of. If you promise something, you're morally obligated to do it. Want to ruin your relationship with someone quickly? Break a promise. That would be a massive withdrawal. You lose trust so easily. Unfortunately, trust is much harder to gain than it is to lose. You REALLY need to be careful when making promises. On the plus side, though, if you're exceptional at keeping promises, make them often. Relationships are strengthened greatly when a kept promise is deposited. If you happen to make a withdrawal by skipping out on a promise, it is in the best interest of your relationship that you discover some way to make up for the withdrawal. Earning trust is hard to do but it can be done by making more deposits. Unsure of how to do that? Start small. Follow up with small commitments. Offer to be helpful rather than just do favors. Slowly but surely, these deposits will ensure you with plenty of trust.


2. Be loyal
   
   Loyalty. This aspect of the RBA is absolutely essential. It is SO easy to make withdrawals when it comes to loyalty. How many times do you catch yourself saying something rude about a friend? Withdrawal. Do you hold your tongue while people make mean comments about a friend? Withdrawal. These are two VERY easy withdrawals to make and they create scars on your relationship. Why are these so easy? Let's admit it, finding faults in people is quite simple and, naturally, we wish to share our discoveries with people and learn about their opinions. Additionally, standing by is the easiest thing to do. Why? Because you don't have to do anything. This is difficult because you can make this withdrawal without doing a single thing. While most of these withdrawals are behind the scenes, your friend will most likely learn about your disloyalty and you'll end up with one less friend. How can you counter these withdrawals? Think: Would I say this about Emily if she were standing right here? If the answer is no, you should most definitely NOT say it. You'll also need to develop the integrity needed in order to stand up for your friends. If someone is gossiping about Carissa, make polite but firm comments that explain your thoughts about Carissa and gently guide them into a different discussion. There's no need to make a scene or ensue guilt in the people that were slandering her. Loyalty is BIG in relationships, so make sure that you're depositing the right things into your RBA.


3. Listen
   
   Listening is a KEY ingredient to any relationship and is therefore one of the best deposits you can make. Sometimes, it's important that we open our ears more than our mouths. But hey, we'll talk more about listening tomorrow.


4. Apologize
   
   You can't be ignorant to the mistakes you make. Not only do you have to acknowledge them, but you need to lose your pride and apologize. Apologies can be difficult but choosing to be oblivious to the choices you've made is worse and WILL ruin any relationship because that is a major withdrawal. Don't assume you have to make a big mistake in order to apologize. There's a secret about apologies though: it's actually a weapon. When you're fighting with your mom or a sibling, if you apologize, they can't keep fighting with you; you've surrendered. You can't fight a person that's surrendered. People also tend to respect people that acknowledged their mistakes and take the necessary actions to fix the them. NEVER underestimate the effect of a simple I'm sorry or I was wrong.


5. Set clear expectations
   

MISCOMMUNICATION. The root of all troubles. I can't even begin to count how many fights I've started because I was under false pretenses. The worst part is once you realize what's REALLY happening, you're stuck with a dunce cap. But sometimes, you assume you're making perfect sense and someone else doesn't understand you. So next time your mom asks you to empty the dishwasher, instead of inferring that waiting an hour is ok, ask. You can't help it if you don't understand people, but it is your responsibility to ask if you happen to be missing something. The best thing YOU can do is make sure that YOU are understood. Clarify with people exactly what you want. Write out a sticky note for your mom since she seems to forger that she let you stay out past curfew. As long as you are on the same page with people in your relationships, then your account is rich, but if you frequently say ambiguous things, people will take that as a withdrawal. Don't play mind games with people either. The world isn't your puppet show to manipulate. Be clear, confident, and say what you mean while you mean what you say.

6. Do small acts of kindness
   
   Charity. That's how you do it. THIS is how to have the BEST of all relationships. Tell people you love them. Leave them notes. Make a bed. Prepare a breakfast. Play a quick game of Uno. Serve your pet some fresh food. Do your chores without having to be asked a million times. People, it is through service that you will build your strongest bonds. As you serve others, you lose yourself in your work. When you shift your selfish mindset to the needs of others, your world changes. Similarly, if you frequently cut people down and make backhanded compliments, your relationships will fail. You have to show people you love them. The best way to share this love? SHOW them, and only speak if necessary. Actions serve to prove and testify to the way you feel better than words can. Now, you don't have to parachute out of the sky and deliver chocolates to your mom on Mother's Day, oh no. You just have to get creative. It could be as simplistic or ornate as you wish. It's truly up to you. Either way, it should be your priority to make someone's day.

These are only a few of the deposits and withdrawals that can be made in the RBA. Remember to check these relationships frequently. It's never too late to start making deposits!

Benki

Your Relationship Bank Account:

A Relationship Bank Account (RBA) is Sean Covey's idea, which he begins to explain on page 131 of his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens; but this is my take on it.

As soon as you form a relationship with someone, you open up an account with them; we'll call this account you RBA. The RBA represents the amount of trust and confidence you have in each of your relationships. These relationships are defined by the deposits and withdrawls you make. Deposits strengthen your relationship while withdrawls weaken it. Your RBAs are limitless, unlike real bank accounts. Let's say someone moves into your school and you share a smile or a wave, BAM, you've just opened up an account with that person. You also never close these accounts, which is why it's so easy to pick up where you've left off with a friend. Naturally, deposits are important to have in your RBA but unfortunately fade easily whereas withdrawls are typically set in stone. So be sure to make deposits frequently, no matter how small. So how are your relationships with the people you know? Could they be improved? What kind of deposits and withdrawls should you be making? How do you build a rich relationship or repair a broken one? Don't worry, we'll talk about this account tomorrow. Before you know it, you'll have plenty of rich relationships!